A personal exploration of embodied self-love over several days. Embodied Solutions communities and events include individual and small group exercises embodying inner resources such as self-love.
Day 1
Embodied self-love is something I know I would benefit from regularly. It is not difficult for me to feel the warmth of love for other people, or for love itself to fill the top of my chest and spread through my torso and arms and bring me comfort. But self-love is not something I have taken the time or space to feel, and I am initially very curious about how this lives in me, how this could benefit me, and what I will discover about myself.
When I invite self-love I notice a turning of my awareness toward me, as if I need to look at myself from the outside. I immediately feel intimidated, like this might not work. I feel a resistance to being seen. I become aware of my breath and it is comforting. I’m aware of pain in my back and neck and shoulders that I woke up with, and they feel like failure on a Monday morning.
I begin to see different aspects of the current reality in my life quickly pass in and out of my awareness, and an initial acknowledgement of the difficulty of some of the challenges I have faced recently is present. I feel a heaviness in the center of my chest like a sadness, but I also feel my whole back relaxing in contrast to that initial intimidation. I feel comforted and trusting, and I feel my shoulders and chest following the relaxation and letting go of constriction.
I notice my breathing is not so easy and my stomach is tense. My throat needs cleared, and a big breath comes, making everything feel a little more settled. There is a warmth that settles in my arms.
I feel a care that I am very familiar with that goes outward from me to others but is not often turned toward myself. It is gentle and not imposing or intimidating. I just sit with it because it is a relief. A deep breath comes. I’m aware of a headache that I woke up with and I feel immediate remorse for my disposition toward it, like it was a burden and obstacle to other more important plans for my day. I find this interesting and sit with the experience. My eyes are uncomfortable and there is discomfort in my stomach. I close my eyes to be a little more comfortable.
I come into contact with what feels like a wall up and down my torso that I identify as the opposite of self-love. It is rigid in what it wants. I feel a wave of intimidation arise, the thought that I will need to stop this exercise, but a breath comes and I can feel the warmth extend to and around this wall. My stomach tightens, I feel pain in my shoulders, and with a breath the warmth extends to them both, my stomach relaxes, even the wall itself becomes less defined.
I keep feeling my awareness that seems to turn toward the outside of me as if by default, and then the reminder comes that this is self-love, and my awareness turns back toward me. I had the impression that embodying self-love may be difficult, but not for this reason. I feel a strong sense of gratitude for this inward facing awareness, like the energy is flowing into me instead of sitting on the surface or flowing outward. I would assume this would be an incredibly emotional moment but it feels very matter of fact, like “yes, I needed some self-love directed inward, and now it’s here.” A deep breath comes.
I feel a pain right behind my ears that I have come to recognize from my recurring fevers as a child. I feel a drop in my chest as warmth settles, and I turn my awareness to this rawness with warmth.
This feels much more simple than I would have anticipated, and much more needed than I knew. I felt drawn to this exercise but without realizing what a shift it would require. I feel a warmth around my back and shoulders. The experience feels gentle and the shift feels subtle. I sense the ability to meet this need within myself as a transformative gift.
I list a few things that I am grateful for about myself and really get a sense that I love to be me, that I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I feel a dancing energy around my shoulders and head and arms and chest. And I’m aware that there is also a pit in my stomach. I need to end the exploration for today but look forward to tomorrow.
Day 2
Self-love is coming more easily to me today as a familiar experience now. In between I found the motivation arising to journal, and some of it was written to myself. My energy and awareness instantly turn inward when I invite myself to feel self-love, and the recurring visual of a waterfall pouring into me from all around the surface of my being is present.
I get the urge to re-read what I wrote yesterday. As I read that it felt like I was looking at myself from the outside, I notice that I now feel the “outside” much closer to me, part of me, not outside of me, just on the surface.
As I describe this, I feel warmth within me and a vibration and warmth along the surface of my shoulders, neck, back, and chest. Deep breaths keep coming and the word “aliveness” comes to mind. I feel gratitude for feeling the life in me. I become aware of the fear that I have had recently at times that life is passing quickly, and feeling life in me feels very fulfilling. It is comforting to that fear, as if the fear is learning from this experience and feeling this fulfillment too.
I continue reading my experience from yesterday and also notice how much lighter I feel right now than then, like a heavy weight is not pushing down on me like it has been lately. I feel compassion for that, a warmth in my chest. I see myself more clearly, like there is an obstruction to seeing me that is also gone.
As I finish reading, I feel the need to be gentle, even with my experience of self-love in this moment. Just gently being and accompanying the experience of being in this moment. I feel an appreciation that the capacity is in me to do this at this time, that I find value in this, that I feel satisfied and fulfilled in this moment. I feel like this is what I was made for and it’s not routine that I feel into this. I feel this switch in perspective of me as first person, second person, and even third person-like happening so fast it’s hard to keep up and describe it. But I like it. I have the tendency to be harsher with myself than with others, and this disposition toward myself and of myself and through myself is very welcome. I feel curious.
A breath takes itself and I return to the words self-love. And gentleness comes next. I have an urge in me like I’m not doing enough to explore this, but everything else in me is so gentle and marinating in this moment that I just allow it to be there and present with the rest of this.
Reflection after embodying self-love; real-life application and integration
I found myself grocery shopping and cooking and feeling a sensation that I want me to be happy, genuinely and light heartedly happy. Not just that I want to be successful or heal trauma or be a good parent, these serious ways that I look at life for myself and the things I worry about. But a way that I guess I usually only feel for other people, wanting them to be happy and comfortable and not burdened with heavy topics or worries or emotions. And it’s a wonderful feeling to turn this toward myself. It gives additional depth and tangible experience to the concept of loving yourself so much that it changes the standard of who is allowed in your life and to influence and in what capacity. And what makes me smile and chuckle is the depth brings lightness :)
Day 3
When I feel self-love at this moment I feel an emptiness become a fullness filling my being. I feel my breath breathing easily, I feel a light hearted happiness that is admittedly not very familiar to me. Usually if I feel joy it is still a serious, heavy joy. I feel this enjoyment of being in my body, looking out the window of the place I chose to live, thankful for my preferences that make me me, thankful that I have good intentions toward myself sometimes, if not a lot of the time. There is a lot of criticism that can be there, so feeling this contrast is glorious in this moment. I hear a bird, specifically a crow, and feel how I identify with this animal, remembering my first encounter and deep connection with one when I was young, how this has continued throughout my life. How they recognize my face and at times I have not even recognized my own face. What a dark place to be in. Feeling again the light hearted recognition of myself, not taking myself or this moment so seriously, feeling myself like a fingerprint of my whole being, unique to me, and that I can appreciate from a bird’s eye view. And that from there I want me to enjoy this day and relax in between activities and feel light. This reminds me of the peace I have been feeling as airy bubbles cushioning tension all around my physical being. I feel the heaviness of this experience, of my need for this.
A breath takes itself and it is heavy. I feel the density at the bottom of my lungs and in my back behind my lungs. I feel a sadness, a longing to be light again. I also feel a comfort and gratitude for the experience of lightness, even if I can’t feel it now, and the density in my back feels a bit lighter, feels like it rises with my breath and lifts up my back in a lighter way. I feel gratitude for this awareness of myself, this awareness of the seriousness and heaviness. The contrasts. This exploration.
I am so grateful that I feel drawn to embodying self-love, and for the self-love with which I respond to that which is drawing me in. I feel like a light surrounds me in this moment, like the drawing and the response to feeling drawn are one. It is warm in this space that surrounds me. There is a clarity here. I feel myself enjoying something that has been present for a long time, but that I have not had the capacity to enjoy, or even the idea to try to enjoy it. A deeper breath takes itself, breathing in this moment, exhaling this moment, one with this moment.
